I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
