May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
