You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
