she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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