drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
