I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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