Your dad touched me again.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
