I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
