she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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