Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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