hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
