I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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