I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
