i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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