I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
