I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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