She is in my trunk
tell your sister to shave her snatch
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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