i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
