My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
