I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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