she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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