Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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