in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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