You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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