Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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