fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
