eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
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The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
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Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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