You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules