I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.