If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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