I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
