my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She tied me up with her honor cords...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
