doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
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