I don't think brook has ever known best
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
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I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
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No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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