I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
