she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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