Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
