He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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