And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
