we have officially lost it.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
