I met the friendliest cop last night
Need sex. Gaining weight.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
