break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
