"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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