My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
this just has baby written all over it
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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