You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I fill condoms, not promises.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
