please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
