Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
