Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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