I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize