Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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