Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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