Umm I'm too high to move.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
