I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
