my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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