So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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