ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
