i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Drunk is a universal language darling
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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