just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
