Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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